Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning." -- Albert Einstein


Imagine, if you will, a couple in love. They had a heady start, rebelling against their parents and running away together. They were giddy with delight and optimism. The pair have done great things together. They have weathered storms together. They fought good fights together; they've set out to change the world together. Neighbors have admired them; people want to be near them. They've snuggled tenderly, they've disagreed fiercely, but they've always taken care of each other, and their many children. They've been able to show many faces to each other, sometimes disagreed so much that they were nearly torn apart, but they always were able to reconcile and keep moving forward in love and hope.

Ms. Liberty and Ms. Justice did this for 240 years! What a long, loving relationship!

Mirco Ilic

Then suddenly, there was a toxic relationship. Now, the citizenry of the United States of America is in a noxious relationship with the President* of the United States. We need help to navigate this.

The Toxicity

We are living with the Abuser-in-Chief. He displays classic emotional abuse traits. He's a narcissist, and everything is about him. He lies, he gaslights. He throws a match on some gasoline and then suddenly arrives with a fire extinguisher. He bullies and name-calls. He is vindictive. He mocks you in public, then laughs it off saying, "it was just a joke." He insults your appearance and your accomplishments. He asserts that he has a right to your body with or without your consent. He threatens violence against those who disagree with him. He engages in illicit relationships with others.

His relationship with us is the same as with just about everyone in his circle. Some wake up and leave sooner than others. He has courted and alienated many. The New York Times has an interactive list of 55 top-level administration officials who have gone through the revolving door. He's had these types of relationships throughout his life – in public and in private; in business and in politics.

It is suspected that his relationship with his current wife Melania is much the same. Not much is known, but a student of body language can observe a lot. We have plenty of examples of public behavior that shows there is trouble underneath the shiny gold-leaf veneer.

• He tries to hold her hand and she nearly always snatches it away. 

• He pats his leg as if calling a dog.

• He forgot he had a son with his wife.

• She lusts after other world leaders. Well, at least one.

If you look at photos from her younger days, you realize Melania was at ease. She was a happy woman at one time. Now, she rarely smiles. Dollars to donuts when the gig in the Whitewash House ends, she will be seeking happier trails.

Just like we hope for us.


The Damage

Like any toxic relationship, it takes a toll on our psyche. We experience distrust, depression, fear, and anxiety. We are losing sleep. We want to leave but we feel trapped. We suffer from the abuse. We know it could be better -- we've had so much better -- and we pine for the best that our last relationship gave us.

Our mental health is suffering. A specific anxiety disorder is plaguing us. All of us are feeling the ill effects, some more than others. For example, the physical health of Latinx folks seems to be especially affected. All of us are experiencing a toll on our psyche.


We need help.


The Relationship Principles

Once upon a time, I sought help in trying to save a relationship. I got counseling, I read books, and most powerfully, I became involved in a save-your-marriage message board. There, I learned more about myself than I ever thought I would, I made deep friendships, and I learned about relationships -- all kinds, not just romantic relationships -- and how to navigate them. I learned that sometimes the best way to "save" a relationship is to let it go.

Though I felt that mine was, it's true that not all relationships are worth saving, and in order to save our health, we must let go of the toxic ones. In our case, our deep love and respect for the United States and its ideals is worth working to keep. We must jettison the toxic part. The best and most obvious best way to do this is to VOTE on November 3, 2020. Until then, we must learn to cope.

First, we must accept the fact that 45 is unwell. We must give up the "what-ifs" and "if-onlys" that keep us stuck. He is fundamentally dysfunctional and is not going to magically get better. Things are only getting worse, so accepting this will go a long way to our self-care. This goes toward managing our expectations. We must not expect that miracles will happen with regard to this man. Expecting different behaviors and outcomes will only dash us upon the rocks again and again. We must accept the disordered situation as it is.

Part of this acceptance involves developing a healthy detachment. Detachment means removing yourself from outside drama; taking care of your own stuff, which includes taking care of your own emotions; self-loving; and accepting that you can not control another person’s actions or emotions. It becomes a great burden to take on the world’s pain as your own. Whether it’s in a personal relationship, or the woes of the nation, or the injustices against a minority group, taking on burdens can become unhealthy. If we take home all the pain of all the people, we won't be able to function. Detachment doesn't mean you don't care, or that you are giving up. It just means letting go of control, letting go of expectations, letting go of another's problems. Detachment helps you to better face the problems and work toward solutions.

And speaking of another's problems and emotions, it's important to remember that only we are responsible for own emotions, and we are not responsible for another's. Emotions are neither right nor wrong. They just are. But if you let negative emotions drive you, then they can become a problem. The better choice is to acknowledge your emotions, name them, examine what they are trying to tell you, thank them, and then say goodbye to them. Choose to hang on to love, hope, generosity, kindness, and happiness. If you need to, fake it. Studies show that acting happy can lead to real happiness. Do not carry others' reactions about you, your beliefs, your actions. Care deeply. Be authentic in your goodness. This is all any of us can do.

To go a bit further, it's important to "act, not react." If we react out of anger and fear, it can make things worse. So we calm ourselves, and we act. In our case, we can mobilize as voters and constituents. Act for the greater good by contacting your members of Congress about issues that are important to you, donate to or campaign for candidates that you believe in, work for enfranchising fellow citizens, vote. Do the small things that a good citizen does. Take care of the environment, buy from socially responsible businesses, speak out against injustice. But when the fire gets hot, keep your emotional reactions in check. Use negative emotions to point you toward change, whether within yourself or the change you want to see in the world. When another egregious thing happens, let those atrocities spur toward action, not wallowing in the quicksand of paralysis or the fire of anger.

Set goals. Short-term and long-term goals for your own growth and for the world. Pick one thing and do it well. Make an action plan so that your goals are attainable. Me? I have the goal of working toward empowering voters by registering them, fighting against voter suppression, and getting them to the polls.

Most importantly, engage in self-care. Michelle Obama: "We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own 'to do' list." Eat nutritious food, drink plenty of fluids, exercise, get good rest. Engage in activities that you enjoy and will take you away from the world's problems. Laugh often. Meditate. Get a massage. Start a new hobby. Seek counseling. Read inspirational stories, like Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, the words of Zen masters (especially as they relate to activism!), or the speeches of inspirational leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr, or Bobby Kennedy.





And embrace one of the tried and true aphorisms of the relationship board: things take time. We must hone our patience, let the world turn and our representatives do their jobs, and in the end we will be relived of this pain. And then, perhaps, at some point in the future, it may be possible to forgive. Forgiveness is a lofty and worthy goal, for forgiveness is for the benefit of the forgiver, not the recipient of the absolution. It may seem impossible now to forgive this monster who is destroying what we hold dear, but by forgiving, we can release the pain and anger of the transgressions. It is freeing, but it's not easy. For me, forgiveness is a ways down the road.

The road I'm facing is 493 days long, until January 20, 2021.

Until then, let's hold on to hope.

"Hope is not blind optimism. It's not ignoring the enormity of the task ahead or the roadblocks that stand in our path. It's not sitting on the sidelines or shirking from a fight. Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, and to work for it, and to fight for it. Hope is the belief that destiny will not be written for us, but by us, by the men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is, who have the courage to remake the world as it should be.” - Barack Obama


We may yet see the beautiful reunion of Liberty and Justice for all.





Thanks, Royce. Rest in Peace.