A Snack: The Undecideds

How 'bout those "undecided" voters? Have you seen these panels? Every so often, including after debates, the networks get a group of "undecideds" and survey them. 

A menu is presented. 

Mesdames and messieurs, your choices tonight. 

Our first selection is an Indian-Jamaican fusion Californian salad, consisting of a richly developed organic vegetable medley mindfully grown in the fertile fields of Northern California. The heirloom vegetables have been freshly harvested and carefully hand-layered with attention. The colorful medley is laid over a bed of confetti rice grown in small containers in San Francisco. 

Accompanying the main course is a corn-fed amuse-bouche from the lakes of Minnesota. It is nutritionally complete, and it is delightfully enveloped with specially-made popping candy, meant to delight the senses and warm the heart.

The meal is served with the finest California sparkling wine, reserved for the most consequential and joyful celebratory meals. 

Tonight’s chef for this selection has been training under a master chef with 51 years’ experience in the most prestigious kitchens in the nation, though she has risen through the ranks of kitchen positions on her own impressive merits. I think you will be quite impressed. 

Our second selection is a shit sandwich. The shit is infused with jumble of glass particles, broken golf tees, and construction debris, nestled between ketchup-infused, hand-carved pieces of shoe lifts used over the course of at least two months of outdoor rallies this summer. These pieces of foam are wrapped in shredded court documents sourced from at least three different indictments. 

This particular piece of feculence chosen for tonight’s sandwich has been marinating for the last four years in the warm south Florida sunshine. 

This selection is accompanied by arsenic medallions direct from the Appalachia region of Ohio. The young arsenic was sautéed with cyanide and lead shot pellets.  

Our shit sandwich is not served with a beverage this evening, as it is designed to be passed through the alimentary tract completely dry. Though, if you wish, an after-dinner covfefe will be served. 

What is your selection? 

“Ummmm, I'm not sure. I’d like to know more about where the lettuce was sourced in that first thing.”